I have always been connected to words. Though I have pretty much been able to speak my opinions since the day I was born, I have never really been able to vocalize my feelings. Opinions and emotions are two totally separate worlds. My opinions are based on logic, but my emotions are a heart thing. The rawness that lays deep inside. Because I write mainly emotions, I have been blocked. I keep starting projects that I can’t seem to reign in, so I put them down and wait for a better time to pick them back up.
It all started a few days ago when some rumors that hit way to close to both the gut and the chest, touched my ears. I didn’t want to hear these things. I didn’t seek them out, and I wish I would have never been told them, but here I was dealing with another set of lies that I couldn’t escape or even pretend that I didn’t know about. It cannot just be coincidence that the word “rumor” and “tumor” are so close in resemblance to each other, because there is no better description of what a rumor is than a tumor on the subconscious mind of the ones who have had the unfortunate pleasure of hearing them. I’ve heard so many times in my life the phrase “Be careful with your words. Be careful what you say.” And there is truly no better advice than this. Gossip, plants the seed of doubt. It doesn’t matter how much or how well you know someone, when that seed is planted it grows. And eventually when you find yourself faced with what would typically be a normal disagreement, that seed can flourish and show itself in your reaction to the person the seed was planted about. Gossip, in one fell swoop destroys trust, breaks loyalties, and changes ideas of the people that you care for. It’s that old adage that you can’t take back the words that you say. No matter how guilty you feel about them, no matter how many apologies you make or don’t make for them, that seed that you planted stays a lingering doubt. A weed in the persons minds that you planted it in. It lives on in them, whether they want it to or not.
For the last few days I have felt helpless to this situation. I can’t simply address the rumors and ask the person spreading them to stop because I have too many times to count and she won’t. I can’t have a visceral reaction and fly off the handle – like I may have wanted to in my times of weakness – because that would only bring more of the same pity and attention that she seeks, to her doorstep. And probably further validate her gossip about me. I can’t take away the pain that these rumors have caused my family or even adequately explain to my child why another human being would say such vile things. I can literally do nothing in this situation, but sit back and wait for it to blow over. The problem is, each time one of her lies blows over, in with those same winds come several more and I’m back to where I started.
It is said that the best response for a toxic person is silence and that is what I have effectively given for a year now, though it hasn’t stopped her. Is it possible that miserable people have this intrinsic need to create misery for others as well as themselves in order to feel normal? Could it be that there is something severely lacking in their own lives that they need to stir the waters of chaos in order to somehow complete them? Make themselves feel more comfortable and happy? The saying “misery loves company,” comes to mind here. Is it only a sign of deeper insecurities and a lack of purpose?
I wonder how many people out there are struggling to move past this same kind of dysfunction. I can’t possibly be the only one consistently having to face these things. But maybe I am. I have been an easy target to disparage. I’m sensitive in my feelings, if apologized to – quick to forgive, empathetic to others sufferings, boisterous in my opinions and abrasive when pushed too far. I could only be an easier target if I strapped a bull’s eye to my chest to better pinpoint the mark.
What makes it worse is that I am thoroughly losing my ability to trust anyone. As I feel the need to separate myself from all roads that lead to the source of gossip, it could mean having to let go of more people in my life that I really love because of pure association. Exactly what she hoped for, I’m sure of. In this case as well, I find myself not knowing what to do. I’m stuck and feeling like this circumstance may never end or even lose momentum, because it hasn’t thus far.
In my head, I know there is nothing I can do to fight this battle. It isn’t a battle that I started and isn’t one that I want to perpetuate. But I am exhausted with constantly being faced with the same fight over and over again. I cannot help but feel helpless to it, and at times worthless to anyone still connected to the source of it. Knowing that there’s nothing you can do to stop someone from inflicting pain is depressing and frustrating beyond comprehension. Though as I’ve learned with everything else, the first step in getting through something disheartening is getting it out of your head. Releasing it from your mind and sending it into the void where it no longer plays a starring role in your thoughts. Hopefully in getting this out I can somewhat move past it and go back to writing anything worth reading. For now I’m just talking to an audience of one. Me.