Tomorrow is my birthday and I’ve been thinking for a week about what all that this year has brought. On one hand I have never experienced SO MUCH of anything in my life, than I have this year. From moving from my hometown big city to another state and out to the quiet country, to being separated with my husband who has been my one and only best friend for many years now. To being hurt beyond compare by family members that I never dreamed would deliberately cause such pain. To losing life-long friends to the fodder. To being sick in my body in ways that cannot seem to be repaired and fighting it all in the most lonely of ways. And most heartbreaking, to losing my daughter being with me and not knowing if that will ever turn around. To say this year has not only rocked me, but shaken me to my core – would be a huge understatement.
A few months ago, I wouldn’t have seen the bright side to any of it. There was no silver lining yet to be discovered. It all has felt raw and overwhelming to say the very least. But as I have reflected so much lately on what has come from all of these circumstances, I can see the Universe at work in my life and in my husband and children’s lives. I can see the purpose for all of it and I am at last, so very grateful.
While in the middle of the storm, it always feels insurmountable. An obstacle that we just can’t survive. Maybe because we don’t feel we have the wisdom to, or the sheer energy to keep our heads above it and eventually overcome it. What I’ve learned this year, is that when there is a plan for your life (and there always is) it comes with teething pains. That cutting through that feels so uncomfortable. The pain that feels so unfamiliar that it terrifies us as to what is happening and what will become of it. Will it ever lesson in intensity? Will it ever go away completely? Is there any good to come of it? The purpose that this majestic Universe has for us is boundless and unyielding. It doesn’t care if you feel unprepared to accept it. It pays no mind to the fact that you’ve already experienced so much that you may buckle under its weight. It keeps pushing and pulling and guiding you to that purpose. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it is extremely intrusive. And yes, it is absolutely necessary.
I realized finally, that some things, some people, some circumstances are only meant for a season. Sometimes the season is much longer than typical, lasting years. Sometimes the season is short and cut off before it ever really begins to blossom. And sometimes, the season is for a lifetime. All of these years I have held onto relationships well past their shelf life. I have made apologies where they weren’t due, all to save that relationship from its ruin. I have begged and pleaded to be given another chance when the first chance never warranted that response from me. I staid too long at the fair, out of desperation to have something REAL when all signs pointed to the other side having already given up. In this, the Universe continued to present me with situations that needed my attention, that needed me to make a different choice – a better one, and I couldn’t see past my own need for solidarity and comradery in order to do so. What happens when we don’t listen? The will becomes stronger, more abrasive, to the point where we can no longer ignore it. I had to be forced to let go of certain people, certain things, certain ways of life that were leading me into a path that was no longer designated for me. The hardest reality is when some of those people are family. We grow up believing that family is autonomous. That it just IS and will always BE and we have to get on board and accept it as it is, but this is not the case. Family relationships can be just as wrong and misleading for us as friendships. They can be just as toxic and deadly to our progress as any other. My hand was forced because I didn’t heed the previous warning calls through the years to remove myself. The pain that came with being removed when I wasn’t ready was virtually unbearable. There were days that I truly did not believe that I could survive that level of heartache. But today I sit here, having survived and feeling a peace that I have wanted for so very long, but have been unable or unwilling to do the work needed to obtain it.
Sometimes, our hand is forced because we need an awakening. We need to step into the trajectory that the Universe is moving in, in order to find ourselves within its will. To set the wheels of change in motion so that we can learn, grow and evolve. When we resist, the growing pain is much greater and we really have only ourselves to blame for it being so.
I look at my life in this moment and I see a healed a relationship with my husband. A love and respect that is so much deeper now than it was a year ago. I have gotten to witness when the chips were down, the kind of character he really holds within him. Something you never quite know about someone until life actually knocks them for a loop and you see their perseverance. You see what truly matters to them and what stock they are really made of. I have seen a man who loves and values the relationships in his life to the point of them breaking him in two when they falter. He wasn’t flippant or indifferent to the severing as some are. He was broken by it because he is the kind of man that loves with every ounce of his being, the people in his life. On the other side of the coin, he got to see the same about me. And in that we realized how alike we are in the things that really matter. We may be different in temperament and nature, but in the basic foundations of what makes up our hearts, we are the same. We love with a fierceness that make us stupid at times. It blinds us to what is no longer right for our lives. We love the people in our lives to a point that we become unaware of just how wrong for us they are. So the Universe pushed us both, with a good hard shove after shove after shove. Until we got it.
It has been worrisome and troubling to know that my daughter is not here under my protection anymore. As a mother, it just feels wrong and much like total failure. I have beaten myself up over it so very many times that I permanently bare the scars. I fought very hard in every imaginable way for the past 6 years to keep her in my care and under my roof, against a person so vile and dark in nature, but the Universe again had other plans. She needed to experience life on the other side of things to truly appreciate the life that was and is here. It is a part of her journey and her growth as a human being to be given the chance to understand and experience it fully. I fought it so hard that I made myself sick. I kept being thrown back by one situation after another, in an effort to see that I had to relinquish control and because I love her so much I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t grasp HOW to do it. But when I finally surrendered to what the purpose for not only my life but HER LIFE is, it all fell into place. It’s funny how once we just relax, and let go, things begin to happen in their natural, ordered way. It all starts to line up and make sense and glow with possibility.
As this year is coming to a quick close, I am in awe of how much has changed. Of how much I have changed and learned to let go of the things that no longer serve me. How much I have learned to breathe in the newness of each day and accept what is to come with open arms and a hopeful mind. How much I have embraced the lessons that were nestled so lovingly in each circumstance for me. I am enamored with the relationships left that are today stronger, and have learned to appreciate all of them so greatly. I have learned to close doors and seal them shut, that were open for far too long. And in that, I have learned to allow myself to feel the pain. To be conscious of it and to move through it, to the other side. The seasons in my life that have come to an end, were wonderful in their hay day. They have brought me so many beautiful memories that I will cherish and reflect on for the rest of my life. As I will also cherish the lessons that came towards the end and the discovery of who I am and can be in the process. I feel a sense of relief finally. Like this is where I’m supposed to be. This is where I was supposed to be quite a while ago, but it took things happening that forced not only me but my husband and children to be moving in the same direction at the same time, for it to be right for all of us. Today I am thankful for this tumultuous year. I am thankful for each person, thing, and circumstance that forced me to grow. I am thankful for the wisdom that came at a time when it couldn’t be needed more. I am thankful for this life and all of its ups and downs and the things I have learned about myself, through them. The best is here and now and is also yet to come!